115; part of the list

I have a huge problem, but I am currently trying to keep it cool by focusing on the sweet things that has happened to me lately, like:

  1. I have some interests in common with my brother. Well he's practically my brother but he's actually my cousin and since he always reminded me that if some jerk plays with my feelings, I have him as my brother, sooo yeahhh.. Oh what interest? iPods, cars, cameras, and opinion on phones. (: So great.
  2. Somebody is interested in my photos and offered me a job. I don't seek much money for this, I just want some experiences, hence the low wages. This could be my very first photography job. I feel blessed (:
  3. I just talked to my sis, who isn't the touchy-feely-est person on earth. She told me that she missed me. It was a little awkward, but awwww. Good to know at least somebody misses me.
However, I was reminded about the papers I am currently taking and I suddenly feel hopeless. Like, I got a terrible mark for my last assignment till my lecturer (who previously liked ALL, I mean ALL my assignments and tests and responses in class) actually expressed his shock over it. Well I'm not very good with tense (thank God I got over the subject-verb agreement long time ago, or else it would be embarrassing) and I tend to rush things, but he gave me a wake-up call. This paper isn't as easy. I can't just type things and expect an A. I've calculated my marks and possible marks, and there's no way I can get an A. The best I can get is an A- or B+. I don't want a freaking B+ or A-. I want an A! ONLY A and A+ can be accepted! ):

Then I had to submit my other assignment, for a subject I always suck at. I feel weak and hopeless submitting it, as if I've got an idea of what am I going to get. Of course, a freaking C. Argh. I've done my best. I proof read my own assignment. But yeah. I don't think I can even score an A- for that shit I just submitted. I want a B for this paper and I don't think that's even possible. I have no idea of why am I being so pessimistic.

I've drastically changed. How did the optimistic me 10 minutes ago change so abruptly?

And I decided to write this down here because I think there's nobody I can talk this about to, so I might just tell the whole world, so that I don't care if nobody would understand. Yes I might smile as wide as I can but that doesn't mean that I am happy. I'm still lost.

And GOSH I'm fucking jealous, why can't you tell? UGH. Isn't it funny how you never told me that she was one of the people you went out with and going out with again? How would you react if I do the same to you? Huh.

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