86. 3 lies I've told
I think at some point of life, you lie. Not just small lies, but big ones. I've told many lies to be perfectly honest, too many lies. But these are the three biggest lies I've told myself and people. My biggest lies are all when I say "it's okay", "it's fine" or "I don't really care". No matter how many times I've said those, these three things are the things that really matter (note that I didn't use past tense; yes they still matter to me to this very day) and they really hurt me every now and then when I'm being reminded of them. Although, the bright side is I learn something from each events, but they still hurt me, I must stress.
1) Amin breaking up with me again after our reunion from our first break up two years before.
I don't know what term do you use when you 'unfriended' someone you have been best friends with, because breaking up sounds like you two were an item. -__-' Yes I was deeply hurt from that. Well it's not like I had crush on him or anything after high school, it's just that we've been best friends before, but we split because of a girl, and I was crushed, but he came to see me again, I was really happy. And we became best friends again. Then we broke up again. I cried really hard that time. I was at my uncle's house for some kenduri. Really, as many times as I said "I don't really care", I actually do care. And yes it still pisses me off every time somebody say anything about him. And he still adds me up every now and then and deletes me off every now and then too.
What I learned from this is 1) I used to see him as a man that I like, strong and tough emotionally. But you know what, he has really fucked up mind. And a girl fucks his mind REALLY easily. Have you heard of a girl forgetting her friends once he has a boyfriend? YEAH HE'S THAT KIND OF GUY. So yeah he sucks when he has a girl. So I was wrong at my judgement. 2) Friends come and go. No matter how close you are to them.
2) Not going to MTV World Stage 2009.
You know, it's not everyday that I win tickets, especially that lines my favorite band up. Well today BLG isn't on top of my list lagi lah, kejap rasa diorang gay kejap rasa OMG COOL GILE LAGU NI WEH. Oh yang part gay tu adalah semata2 kerana dorang duet dengan Taylor Swift. But I swear I was really happy that I won not one, not two, but five tickets to the MTV World Stage 2009. That time I was doing my SBE. I literally cried of excitement okay. But what happened? Well I didn't go. I gave the tickets away to Gaby and his friends. I'm glad I gave him, although at the same time I am uber-frustrated that I didn't get to go.
I realized that I've never told the story of why I didn't go, even in my old blog. Maybe this is the time to do so. That time, I offered Izza, Bill, Ema, and Naim but Naim said no, but not the very first time I offered him the ticket, instead he hesitated for quite some times before he told me that he doesn't like going to concerts/shows. Izza had stuffs going on up in Penang, so she couldn't go too. So I asked Gaby if he wanted to go to replace Izza. About a week before the show, Ema told me that she couldn't go, because her boyfriend (that time) thinks that going to a rock concert isn't a good idea. And merely a day before I go home to go to the show, Bill told me she couldn't go because her boyfriend that time told her that the H1N1 wave was pretty big, so she didn't go because he told her not to.
I was crushed, totally crushed. As a matter of fact, at this very second, I'm crying )': I told Bill however, that it's fine and her boyfriend made sense since Kasabian's frontman was suspected with H1N1 too. It was Thursday that time, and I was supposed to go back on Friday. And, I've already packed. Right after I told Naim Bill wasn't going, he told me to be careful because he knew I'd go anyway. I called Naim and cried my heart out when I told him I'm not going. He couldn't leave his work in Ipoh, so he couldn't accompany me even if I wanted to go. But that's the thing, I didn't go.
God knows how devastated I was that time. I cried the whole day, my roomie Fareha was the witness. I cried to sleep and I cried when I wake up. I didn't want to eat or do anything. I managed however, to tell Gaby to go fetch the tickets for him and his friends. He was puzzled, but he did anyway. The day of the show, I went karaoke-ing after Ema dragged me to, and I cried singing to BLG's song.
That's one thing I'll never get over. I'll keep on saying "Naah it's alright, it's in the past anyway" or whatever, but I'll never forget that and I will never be fine about it. What did I learn from it? I'll just keep that lesson to myself. (:
p.s: But hey, Bill, thanks for making it up by going to Cobra's with me ♥ I love you still.
3) When Naim didn't send me off to the airport for my departure to Auckland.
All my life, I've never expect much from myself. I didn't expect I would get into an MJSC (and stayed throughout the five years), or get into Matriculation (to be perfectly honest I was ready for Form Six), or getting the chance to study abroad. So I've always dreamed that if I ever get to fly, and if I have a steady boyfriend, I'd have him to send me off.
And so I found Hasyim. And we became an item. That time I was just 18. I thought we were serious. I could feel that my dream is going to become a reality. Too bad, he crushed it by dumping me. I had seriously lose hope by then. But then I found Naim, and I fell in love with him. This time it's not just a crush, it's not just another 'thing I have for him'. It's love and I knew right then we're gonna stay for long.
He built that dream again for me. I kept on dreaming that he would send me off to the airport, and how sweet (and cheesy too) it would be. I don't care being called cheesy to be honest, because everyone is deep in their hearts. Then he promised me he would send me off. I was on the top of the world. That's my biggest dream, because I knew that if we ever get married, that's one big moment in our lives that we will be telling our children; of how their dad sent their mom to the airport to study abroad and stayed together regardless of the distance. I smiled upon knowing that it's becoming real.
But it didn't.
He couldn't come. And I know it was for a very good reason, but it is still the saddest moment of my life. That's one time I'll never get back, that's a FIRST that will never happen again (hopefully not, but even if I'm studying abroad again some time in the future, it's not gonna be the same) and honest to God, I'm so frustrated over it. No matter how many apologies, how many trials to make up, it's just one thing I can't forget, because my only dream was crushed, again. Yes I don't have much dreams, I don't even dream of how my wedding is going to be, unlike other girls. That was my dream, it's over and it's crushed. It wasn't his fault but I wish he had made more efforts. Because I know I would if I were him.
Lesson from this? Simple. Don't dream. Just live your life. Because that's how I'm living my life. I don't dream, I don't aim. I just live by it. Because I don't believe in dreams and hopes anymore. (:
Oh well, I'm a strong girl, I believe. I live by these words, taken from Cobra Starship's "Smile for the Paparazzi"
(:
I'm smiling wide, world. And I'm taking every shit you're throwing. (:
p.s: And you guys wonder why I think Cobra Starship is genius? (:
1) Amin breaking up with me again after our reunion from our first break up two years before.
I don't know what term do you use when you 'unfriended' someone you have been best friends with, because breaking up sounds like you two were an item. -__-' Yes I was deeply hurt from that. Well it's not like I had crush on him or anything after high school, it's just that we've been best friends before, but we split because of a girl, and I was crushed, but he came to see me again, I was really happy. And we became best friends again. Then we broke up again. I cried really hard that time. I was at my uncle's house for some kenduri. Really, as many times as I said "I don't really care", I actually do care. And yes it still pisses me off every time somebody say anything about him. And he still adds me up every now and then and deletes me off every now and then too.
What I learned from this is 1) I used to see him as a man that I like, strong and tough emotionally. But you know what, he has really fucked up mind. And a girl fucks his mind REALLY easily. Have you heard of a girl forgetting her friends once he has a boyfriend? YEAH HE'S THAT KIND OF GUY. So yeah he sucks when he has a girl. So I was wrong at my judgement. 2) Friends come and go. No matter how close you are to them.
2) Not going to MTV World Stage 2009.
You know, it's not everyday that I win tickets, especially that lines my favorite band up. Well today BLG isn't on top of my list lagi lah, kejap rasa diorang gay kejap rasa OMG COOL GILE LAGU NI WEH. Oh yang part gay tu adalah semata2 kerana dorang duet dengan Taylor Swift. But I swear I was really happy that I won not one, not two, but five tickets to the MTV World Stage 2009. That time I was doing my SBE. I literally cried of excitement okay. But what happened? Well I didn't go. I gave the tickets away to Gaby and his friends. I'm glad I gave him, although at the same time I am uber-frustrated that I didn't get to go.
I realized that I've never told the story of why I didn't go, even in my old blog. Maybe this is the time to do so. That time, I offered Izza, Bill, Ema, and Naim but Naim said no, but not the very first time I offered him the ticket, instead he hesitated for quite some times before he told me that he doesn't like going to concerts/shows. Izza had stuffs going on up in Penang, so she couldn't go too. So I asked Gaby if he wanted to go to replace Izza. About a week before the show, Ema told me that she couldn't go, because her boyfriend (that time) thinks that going to a rock concert isn't a good idea. And merely a day before I go home to go to the show, Bill told me she couldn't go because her boyfriend that time told her that the H1N1 wave was pretty big, so she didn't go because he told her not to.
I was crushed, totally crushed. As a matter of fact, at this very second, I'm crying )': I told Bill however, that it's fine and her boyfriend made sense since Kasabian's frontman was suspected with H1N1 too. It was Thursday that time, and I was supposed to go back on Friday. And, I've already packed. Right after I told Naim Bill wasn't going, he told me to be careful because he knew I'd go anyway. I called Naim and cried my heart out when I told him I'm not going. He couldn't leave his work in Ipoh, so he couldn't accompany me even if I wanted to go. But that's the thing, I didn't go.
God knows how devastated I was that time. I cried the whole day, my roomie Fareha was the witness. I cried to sleep and I cried when I wake up. I didn't want to eat or do anything. I managed however, to tell Gaby to go fetch the tickets for him and his friends. He was puzzled, but he did anyway. The day of the show, I went karaoke-ing after Ema dragged me to, and I cried singing to BLG's song.
That's one thing I'll never get over. I'll keep on saying "Naah it's alright, it's in the past anyway" or whatever, but I'll never forget that and I will never be fine about it. What did I learn from it? I'll just keep that lesson to myself. (:
p.s: But hey, Bill, thanks for making it up by going to Cobra's with me ♥ I love you still.
3) When Naim didn't send me off to the airport for my departure to Auckland.
All my life, I've never expect much from myself. I didn't expect I would get into an MJSC (and stayed throughout the five years), or get into Matriculation (to be perfectly honest I was ready for Form Six), or getting the chance to study abroad. So I've always dreamed that if I ever get to fly, and if I have a steady boyfriend, I'd have him to send me off.
And so I found Hasyim. And we became an item. That time I was just 18. I thought we were serious. I could feel that my dream is going to become a reality. Too bad, he crushed it by dumping me. I had seriously lose hope by then. But then I found Naim, and I fell in love with him. This time it's not just a crush, it's not just another 'thing I have for him'. It's love and I knew right then we're gonna stay for long.
He built that dream again for me. I kept on dreaming that he would send me off to the airport, and how sweet (and cheesy too) it would be. I don't care being called cheesy to be honest, because everyone is deep in their hearts. Then he promised me he would send me off. I was on the top of the world. That's my biggest dream, because I knew that if we ever get married, that's one big moment in our lives that we will be telling our children; of how their dad sent their mom to the airport to study abroad and stayed together regardless of the distance. I smiled upon knowing that it's becoming real.
But it didn't.
He couldn't come. And I know it was for a very good reason, but it is still the saddest moment of my life. That's one time I'll never get back, that's a FIRST that will never happen again (hopefully not, but even if I'm studying abroad again some time in the future, it's not gonna be the same) and honest to God, I'm so frustrated over it. No matter how many apologies, how many trials to make up, it's just one thing I can't forget, because my only dream was crushed, again. Yes I don't have much dreams, I don't even dream of how my wedding is going to be, unlike other girls. That was my dream, it's over and it's crushed. It wasn't his fault but I wish he had made more efforts. Because I know I would if I were him.
Lesson from this? Simple. Don't dream. Just live your life. Because that's how I'm living my life. I don't dream, I don't aim. I just live by it. Because I don't believe in dreams and hopes anymore. (:
Oh well, I'm a strong girl, I believe. I live by these words, taken from Cobra Starship's "Smile for the Paparazzi"
"Take a shit where you sleep and smile real wide for the paparazzi"
(:
I'm smiling wide, world. And I'm taking every shit you're throwing. (:
p.s: And you guys wonder why I think Cobra Starship is genius? (:
Comments
the three big moments of life that people think is just mundane..the three turning points, of which i've learned very valuable stuffs.. (:
well the way i see it, it's better this way than having your boyf sending you off on your big iconic moment in your life, but dump you when you're somewhere 5000 miles away. sebab lelaki mcm tu tak layak dapat penghormatan utk hantar awak, untuk wujud dalam sejarah hidup awak. Sekurang2nya walaupun Naim tak dapat hantar, semua tau yang dia serius dan kalau bukan sebab keadaan, mesti dia dah hantar. Dan dia sentiasa layak untuk dapat peluang dan kemaafan tu (:
panjang plak :p
just rasa sedih bila baca.i can't imagine how u feel coz it's your dream.btw,harap2 both dapat fly.takde la sapa kena hantar sapa nanti ;)
itu memang yang paling senang sekali la, kalau belum jumpa family pun that's about the right time for that :P